In the past month…. I have seen my girlfriend a total of three hours, i had to move in with my alcoholic parents that i cant stand to be around. Realized I have no friends. Parented my parents. Had to deal with the aftermath of my parents driving drunk and totaling their van into a pole….my mom shattered her knee and broke her foot. My job only giving me 15 hours or less a week. I have this wave of just being stressed and overwhelmed ALL THE TIME. Even with so many people around me, I have this feeling of being alone. I have no hot water, internet, or cable. I usually play music to cope with the stress and anxiety but im poor and had to pawn my guitar. I never have money because im like 4000 dollars in debt. I feel like no one really cares. I know its all on me, but I feel like it is way too much to handle at 21. Im literally going to go fucking insane. I just want to spend time with my girlfriend, she is the only thing besides Mary Jane that gets me through the day. But lately, i dont know what it is, but she seems too busy for me. I wouldnt want to be around me either with all that im going through. Im like a walking wave of depression and sadness just washing over everyone around me. If it wasnt for Jozi, I would have left this place a long time ago. But i truely deeply feel something for this girl that cant be explained in words. Its something more than that. Something that I only thought existed in movies. Its a love that makes me sad to be away from her for too long. Its not a normal attachment of affection. Its a feeling that we were made for each other. That I never want to be with anyone but her and I would do anything to protect her and keep her in my life. But I want to go somewhere new. No drama, no worries besides affording to feed myself. I catch myself daydreaming about the future. But the future is so blurry and I cant seem to focus my mind. I just dont know where life will take me. I feel like my girlfriend would get tired of me if I ever lived with her which makes me fear that part of my life. I want to go back to school and focus, but its hard to focus on anything with so much stress, anxiety, and drama going on around me. I need to get away. Go somewhere I can be alone, focus on school and music. Not have to stress about how im going to make it through the week. I wish I could just get my life together soon. Its killing me inside more and more everyday because I feel like a waste of space and miss Jozi. Its just this feeling of depression. I dont Understand it, I just want to make it through this dark tunnel my life seems to be going through right now. I hope when I come back into the light I dont lose anything I had. I just needed to rant.
It’s funny how everything in your life could be going so well and all it takes is one bad thought or a negative input from someone else and that’s it, from there on you spiral into a pit of sadness with one bad thought trailing after another after another and all you can do is sit there and watch yourself slowly fall to pieces.